Hey guys, I got you a babysitter
I have really whiffed it in terms of keeping up with this, so I hired a babysitter to pay attention to you
My dear newsletter subscribers,
I have to apologize profusely – I have ignored my responsibility as your lifestyle-newsletter-provider, and there is no excuse for this. As a working woman, obviously it is a little more difficult to balance family life and the office life, but I should have known this and I should have had a plan in place. That’s why I’m hiring a babysitter.
I should have known this and I should have had a plan in place. That’s why I’m hiring a babysitter.
Say hi to your new babysitter, Bethany!
Bethany is so excited to watch you guys! She brought TONS of games (including Bananagrams!) and she even convinced me to let you guys stay up for an extra episode of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” But you guys have some responsibilities too, so please follow a few rules I wrote out…
Rule 1: Please do not look at Bethany’s texts to find her boyfriend’s number so you can prank call him.
I know you guys have figured out that *67 will hide our phone number. But sometimes you forget to do it and as a result, we have had to move three times. That is so not okay. I’m not saying Bethany’s boyfriend has a gun.
Also, let’s not invade Bethany’s privacy! It’s rude, and you would be blowing your chance to meet him later because Bethany is “so proud of how well behaved you are” and she wants to mentally test out what co-parenting with her boyfriend might look like.
Rule 2: Please do not interrupt Bethany doing her taxes to ask about either a. if she’s old enough to have drowned in the Titanic (you know she isn’t and you know she didn’t drown. You’re not stupid.), OR b. if “kissing your tennis instructor is illegal”.
It’s honestly bad enough that you’re asking these questions, but so much worse when the IRS arresting our Bethany is the stake here! She’s doing her taxes right so that she doesn’t have to be a white collar criminal, and she can have more time to babysit you and crack open that bag of Bananagrams.
Rule 3: Please do not flood the basement and start some kind of tide so that you can attempt to surf.
Bethany, first of all, did NOT bring a swimsuit. And I did not ask her to. Second of all, do you know how hard it is to clean up a pool of water as though it’s just a spill? All the paper towels in the world couldn’t clean it up, and don’t even get me started on how extremely negatively a pool with an active tide affects the flat screen TV down there.
Rule 4: Please do not lock Bethany in the kitchen only to give her several riddles that she needs loose-leaf paper to work out.
You know the kitchen doesn’t have any loose-leaf paper, let alone a pen or pencil. I always mean to put one in there, but nowadays with the phone, I just write the grocery list down in my Notes App. Also, the kitchen doesn’t have a lock! How did you guys manage that? How did you trap her in there? Lastly, nobody – babysitters or otherwise – should have to prove their wits to be let out.
Rule 4: Have a nice time!
I hired Bethany to look after you guys because she is fun, she is experienced, and she has a car. She will be able to drive you guys back and forth from your horrible friend, Luke’s, house where one of you gave a cockroach an autopsy. And occasionally she may take you out for some kind of iced cream treat. If you all follow the rules, if you’re kind, and if you don’t give Bethany any sort of work she was not hired to do, like “interior decoration consulting” or “phrenology”, then I promise: you will all have a blast!
Love,
Broti
Hey guys, I got you a babysitter
Can Luke and I have a sleepover? He wants to meet this Bethany