Hi guys,
It’s been a while since I’ve seen you! Bethany said you were very well behaved and you left her alone the whole time she did her taxes. She said that she did not at any point have to perform any procedures that required general anaesthesia (though I would have preferred that she wouldn’t have even had to do outpatient surgery, but I understand that one of you felt peer pressure to get a skin biopsy done. I get it, middle school is hard!).
But now that I’m home, it’s bath time. You know the rule – no putting in any videotape requests for tonight’s VHS night until you are squeaky clean!
“But now that I’m home, it’s bath time.”
Start the water – I’m going to go get your sensitive skin soap! And then I’ll trust you to bathe yourself, unless you need some guidance.
Is that you yelling for me?
Okay let’s figure out what went wrong here.
1. Please put the stopper in.
You’ve been running the water now for a little under an hour, to no avail. Do you know why this is? It’s because you didn’t put the stopper in! The water coming out of the faucet is going straight into the drain. It’s literally not getting any of the tub wet. You might as well burn a couple of trees outside, environmentally speaking. Please put the stopper in.
2. The hot water is very easy to access – it’s just the other knob.
I was wondering why you were running from the bathroom to the kitchen, back and forth, but I assumed it was a viral Tik Tok challenge, or you were craving some kitchen tap water during your bath. I did not realize you were boiling water on the stove and then carrying it in a barrel up the stairs to mix with the cold water. You do not need to do that. The knob is right there.
3. Wash the shampoo out.
I understand where you’re coming from – shampoo smells great and you would like to live in it forever. But unfortunately that great feeling will go away and your head will harden, rendering the shampooing simply obsolete. Your hair cannot be soft and voluminous if it is hard like a rock.
4. I can’t believe I have to keep saying this, but absolutely no more sniping the neighbor through the window while you’re in the bath!
I get it. Your mobster leader, George, (who is NOT welcome for dinner again, by the way… He was very testy.) has ordered you to kill Henry from across the street and you’re the best sharpshooter in the mob. You want to complete the assignment so that Henry doesn’t go to the feds and report your little underground situation and you obviously have some sort of monetary incentive from George, who says things like, “You’re the only one I trust around here” (which is a red flag, in my opinion). I’ve heard it all by now. But you need to wash up! And while you’re in the bath, I would love if your “target” was “keeping your skin healthy and hair soft”. The only “rifling” I want to hear is you going through your jammies drawer before we sit on the couch to watch our movie. And the only thing I want killed is “it” at “bathing”.
You understand?
Okay, when you’re done with your second try, come back downstairs. I have the videotape for GREMLINS 2 and it’s got your name on it!
Would be nice if Bethany and Zach Galligan got married. I think with their outstanding follicles they would make a great couple!!
Ayyyyy, it's me, your local milkman! I took da liberty of watering your grass while you were away, but I did it with Milk! Nature's water! Ya welcome!
UPDATE: Oooh baby, looks like it didn't take! Uh-oh! Ain't that a spicy meatball! Now the lawn milk has curdled and it has attracted bugs